This past week has been so up and down for me, and oh, how my emotions have been all over the place. But I read this fabulous post written by Douglas on rationalfaiths.com (you can read it here) about the challenges that come with infertility.
It's interesting, comforting, and humbling how God puts what you need right in front of you if your soul is receptive to it. "So... When you gonna have kids?" was a post that I needed to read and God put it there for me to find right when I needed it the most.
I sometimes forget that others have challenges, struggles, and trials of their own; especially when I am so caught up with what's going on in my life. It's nice when God offers a little perspective, a reminder that I am not alone. Not everyone will experience a trial in the same way, but we can relate to one another because like Douglas said in his post, "...the pain is very real. It's a crushing, discouraging, disheartening pain..." Because I have felt this pain, because my husband has felt this pain, we can empathize with those of you that are battling with infertility, miscarriages, not being able to conceive on the timeline you desire, etc. You, whoever you are, are not alone. Not only do you have the love and support from me and my husband, you have the love and support and even deeper understanding of the Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
In February, a month after I miscarried, I wrote about what I had experienced up until that point. At that time I thought I was okay; I was seeing God's hand in my life, but in all honesty I was simply putting a brave face on. Some days I still put a brave face on, but through all of this I have come closer to my husband, and more importantly: closer to God. In retrospect I have found that the most beautiful thing I have learned through all of this, is how the Atonement works on a much higher level than I originally understood. And in that lesson, I have found that the Atonement truly is my saving grace.
When I was taught of the Atonement growing up, it was always in the context of repenting and the taking of the Sacrament week to week. That was the basic understanding that I had and there have been many times when I have put the Atonement to use in my life through the application of repentance. They have been some of the harder times in my life, but those are stories that have already been told or will be told later. In this story, the Atonement became real in a way I have never before experienced. I finally was able to understand that not only did my Savior suffer because of my sins, but He suffered so that He would know exactly how I felt and how I am currently feeling. This is something that I can testify of with 100% surety, that Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, knows all the pain associated with our trials. Until my husband and I were struggling to get pregnant, until we miscarried, until the heartache we felt for the loss of our unborn child, until the tears that came with seeing babies everywhere and pregnant women everywhere, until all of this, I never realized the complexity and deepness of the Atonement. And yet, how simple it is at the same time. There is a beauty that comes with the Atonement, because now that I understand that He has felt my physical pain, my emotional pain, my mental pain, and all other pains I have felt; I also understand that He has felt my gratitude when someone has offered a shoulder to cry on or a strengthening embrace, He has felt my joy when my husband and siblings wiped away my tears, He has felt the peace I experienced when others have shared their experiences with me and my husband, and He has felt the comfort I have from knowing I am not alone. Isn't it beautiful that Jesus Christ felt more than just sorrow and suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane? He felt happiness, gratitude, peace, and a multitude of other emotions. Through the Atonement, Jesus Christ knows us better than we know ourselves, and what a saving grace that is for all of us.