2.16.2013

"Thy will be done..."

Until recently I'm not sure I have ever fully experienced the grieving process. It is one of the most interesting things I have experienced because most of the time I am not sure how to explain what I am feeling, but let me back up and start at the beginning of the story.
The husband and I have been married a little over two and a half years, and for about two of those years we have been trying to have kids. The first year we started to try, it probably wasn't really trying but we stopped using protection. I just assumed that I would be like my mom and get pregnant as soon as I went off the pill, but that didn't happen. After a year of negative pregnancy tests every month we got a little more serious. At the end of that first year I was diagnosed with Celiac, an auto-immune disease that makes me extremely allergic to gluten--not the most awesome thing to be diagnosed with, but not the worst either--I went gluten-free and almost immediately started feeling better, and after being gluten-free for a month I could count down almost to the hour when I would start my period every month. A consistent period was a huge blessing especially after the weekend of our first anniversary and being told by the doctor that it would be difficult for us to get pregnant. A consistent period was a sign of hope to me, but every month I was let down again and again. It seems that every time I wasn't pregnant the further I fell, but I tried to stay strong, telling myself that it just wasn't the right time for me and I was okay. And the thing is, I really was okay for the most part.
I have always felt that I was meant to be a mom, but I didn't want to be one of those crazy Mormon girls that only lived to be a mom. I have had many big dreams, I still have big dreams: I want to own a farm, have animals--especially horses, I want to go to vet school and work wildlife rescue; but the biggest dream I have is to be a mom.
Last month, the beginning of January, I thought that my dream was beginning to come true. I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I was so excited, and couldn't wait to share the news with the husband. It was probably the best Friday we have ever had. But within a week it was all gone-by that next Thursday I had miscarried. For those of you who have never experienced that, for me it was just like a period only 100x worse...and that is not an exaggeration. I have never felt such physical pain before and I think that the emotional pain added to the agony of it all.
I was and still am a little confused, but I want it clear that I am not angry at God. I am confused because I am trying to be the best I can be and I feel that I deserve to have a child, and it almost happened--and then it didn't. I am confused because I see children all around the world born in to less fortunate situations and I could give that baby a good life.
 -Now before anyone tells me that we can adopt...I know. But right now that is not in the cards. Just FYI.
I am confused because I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling or how to describe that feeling to someone else. I am confused because some days I'm fine and I can smile and other days I cry and eat because that is my vice.
I am confused because I see my friends having all the luck in the world when it comes to getting pregnant. Seeing my friends happy with such a great blessing is quite bittersweet for me, I do not wish for their happiness to be taken away, I only wish that I could share in that happiness with them.
In the midst of all this, I have been lucky enough to be able to continue to see the hand of God and the blessings I have received lately in my life.
My family has been a huge support during this time. My mom and my grandmother both have taken time out of their busy schedules to drive up to Logan and visit me. Many cousins and in-laws have called me several times and thankfully have been there to just listen. That is what I have needed more than anything - someone to listen. My mom and grandma have given me the hugs I needed.
Tyler has been one of the biggest strengths through all of this. I definitely wouldn't have been able to keep it together as well as I have without him. Tyler has held me and listened to me sob without any complaint. I know that this has been hard on him too, especially because he so badly wants to be a father. But we are staying strong and hanging in there, and someday our journey to expanding our family will end in joy.

2.02.2013

I need a little help

For being only 22 years old it feels like I have been through a lot. 10 years ago I never would have dreamed that this is where I would be in life. I never would have guessed that I would be pursuing an undergraduate degree in Environmental Studies or that I would have a goal to go into veterinary science emphasizing in wildlife rescue. I never thought that I would be married at such a young age; I always told myself that I would wait until I had finished grad school before I even considered getting married. And I never would have guessed how much I love where I am and what I am doing and that I would have such a great husband who supports everything I do and where I want to go. Tyler helps give me the strength and courage to follow my dreams. And with Tyler's support and encouragement I did something I never would have done on my own, I tried out and made the USU English Equestrian Team.
The decision to try out for the equestrian team was a spur of the moment kind of thing. Earlier within that week, I had convinced myself it was a bad idea because it had been three and a half years since the last time I had ridden. It almost seems though that my email requesting to tryout was sent without my conscious knowledge. I didn't realize I had sent it until I had sent it. It was weird, but I am so glad I sent that email. I am so excited for this opportunity to once again be doing what I love, to be a part of something I never thought I would be a part of.
Now, it is not only my hope, but my prayer that this blog post will find its way onto the computer screen of someone or anyone that could help me. Being a part of a university club sport is rather expensive. The cost to be a part of the equestrian team for one semester is $600. My husband and I are both full-time students, we also both have jobs on campus, and my husband also works another part-time job at Lowe's. We are blessed to have some grants and subsidized student loans to cover our tuition, books, and some of our housing payments. The little bit of money that comes in from our jobs goes to pay the obvious bills everyone pays monthly, as well as towards paying student loans from Tyler's first degree, paying medical bills from an emergency surgery Tyler had to have about a year ago when he had no insurance, and our food, which is primarily gluten-free because a little over a year ago I was diagnosed with Celiac disease. We are learning to be more money conscious, to be aware of where our money is going. We have not always done this in the past, and we are definitely now paying for that, but we are trying to improve and be better. With this awareness of our financial situation, I know that without help we cannot afford this. Our families have helped us a small amount, but I also know that their budgets are tight as well and I would not ask them for more than they can give. 
With the exception of my desire to be with Tyler for eternity, I have never wanted something so much. I feel at home on top of a horse, I feel joy being around these beautiful animals, and I am praying that there is someone out there who can help make this new dream of mine come true.
I am still very similar to who I was as a 12-year-old, but at the same time, so very different. It is wondrous to me to look back on my short life and see how I have ended up where I am now. To see how the Lord has guided me to the place I belong, and to see how the Lord has placed wonderful and marvelous blessings and opportunities in my path. I whole-heartedly believe that without the Lord I would not be where I am today. I know that the Lord can help make this dream come to pass, but I also know that there needs to be some work done on my part. I am a good student, I am working as hard as I can to do all that I can to succeed. I am going to institute, going to my church meetings, trying to see those that I can serve. I will continue to do what I can, and I know that somehow the Lord will provide a way.

If you or someone you know might be interested in helping me I can be contacted by email or phone.
Email: jessie.santa_maria@aggiemail.usu.edu
Phone: 8015920637
Any help given can be tax deductible if needed.