2.16.2013

"Thy will be done..."

Until recently I'm not sure I have ever fully experienced the grieving process. It is one of the most interesting things I have experienced because most of the time I am not sure how to explain what I am feeling, but let me back up and start at the beginning of the story.
The husband and I have been married a little over two and a half years, and for about two of those years we have been trying to have kids. The first year we started to try, it probably wasn't really trying but we stopped using protection. I just assumed that I would be like my mom and get pregnant as soon as I went off the pill, but that didn't happen. After a year of negative pregnancy tests every month we got a little more serious. At the end of that first year I was diagnosed with Celiac, an auto-immune disease that makes me extremely allergic to gluten--not the most awesome thing to be diagnosed with, but not the worst either--I went gluten-free and almost immediately started feeling better, and after being gluten-free for a month I could count down almost to the hour when I would start my period every month. A consistent period was a huge blessing especially after the weekend of our first anniversary and being told by the doctor that it would be difficult for us to get pregnant. A consistent period was a sign of hope to me, but every month I was let down again and again. It seems that every time I wasn't pregnant the further I fell, but I tried to stay strong, telling myself that it just wasn't the right time for me and I was okay. And the thing is, I really was okay for the most part.
I have always felt that I was meant to be a mom, but I didn't want to be one of those crazy Mormon girls that only lived to be a mom. I have had many big dreams, I still have big dreams: I want to own a farm, have animals--especially horses, I want to go to vet school and work wildlife rescue; but the biggest dream I have is to be a mom.
Last month, the beginning of January, I thought that my dream was beginning to come true. I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I was so excited, and couldn't wait to share the news with the husband. It was probably the best Friday we have ever had. But within a week it was all gone-by that next Thursday I had miscarried. For those of you who have never experienced that, for me it was just like a period only 100x worse...and that is not an exaggeration. I have never felt such physical pain before and I think that the emotional pain added to the agony of it all.
I was and still am a little confused, but I want it clear that I am not angry at God. I am confused because I am trying to be the best I can be and I feel that I deserve to have a child, and it almost happened--and then it didn't. I am confused because I see children all around the world born in to less fortunate situations and I could give that baby a good life.
 -Now before anyone tells me that we can adopt...I know. But right now that is not in the cards. Just FYI.
I am confused because I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling or how to describe that feeling to someone else. I am confused because some days I'm fine and I can smile and other days I cry and eat because that is my vice.
I am confused because I see my friends having all the luck in the world when it comes to getting pregnant. Seeing my friends happy with such a great blessing is quite bittersweet for me, I do not wish for their happiness to be taken away, I only wish that I could share in that happiness with them.
In the midst of all this, I have been lucky enough to be able to continue to see the hand of God and the blessings I have received lately in my life.
My family has been a huge support during this time. My mom and my grandmother both have taken time out of their busy schedules to drive up to Logan and visit me. Many cousins and in-laws have called me several times and thankfully have been there to just listen. That is what I have needed more than anything - someone to listen. My mom and grandma have given me the hugs I needed.
Tyler has been one of the biggest strengths through all of this. I definitely wouldn't have been able to keep it together as well as I have without him. Tyler has held me and listened to me sob without any complaint. I know that this has been hard on him too, especially because he so badly wants to be a father. But we are staying strong and hanging in there, and someday our journey to expanding our family will end in joy.